I'll Choose Love

I have been angry for awhile.

Angry at people.

Angry at my situation.

Angry at the world.

Mostly, angry at myself.

Recently I have been reading and listening to some of the most joyful and peaceful people I have ever heard.

I want that joy and peace for myself. I no longer want to choose to be angry.

I’ve been participating in Oprah’s life class. One thing (among many things) that I got from it last week is that there are only 2 real emotions: Love and Fear. Every other emotion stems from one of these 2.

I 'll choose love.

I do feel love towards people around me, in the work that I do for my business, in planning my wedding in taking care of my house (you know, doing dishes, cleaning the toilet), etc. Well, I have been trying to think that way with the house, anyway.

Anger is exhausting. Anger wears me out. Anger gives you wrinkles, which I do not want.

I'll choose love.

I have a day job. I do, in fact, enjoy the line of work I am. My problem lies in that I don't like being cooped up all day. If I want to take a walk down the street to get a soda, I can’t. Or, I can’t without being accountable to 2 bosses, a receptionist and probably getting a ton of dirty looks from co-workers. I don’t like to work against my own natural instincts of when I should get up, what tasks I should be doing, where I should do the work. You know, all the things that go along with actually having a job and getting paid for it.

I understand and genuinely like the people I work for and with. However, we are on completely different wavelengths. It’s difficult to explain. I would say I work in an intelligence-based office. I work with extremely smart people. Yes, I am smart, too, but it’s there is a difference. My life worth and work isn’t as based on how intelligent I am, per se. It’s not based on how much education I have or what experience I have dealing with a certain facet of information. I don’t feel like I am competing to prove that I am earning my keep in the world by being the smartest or knowing the most. Instead, creativity and art are the things that interest me most. They think with their heads, I use my heart more and I think it just causes a slight communication misfire every so often.

{That last paragraph is sort of a lie. I want that last paragraph to be true, but it’s not. I do worry about how intelligent I seem to other people and even more so to my bosses. I continued college simply to have an education at any cost.  I want to change these thoughts.}

I have times of the day that I have high energy, and times when I am low in energy and the time of these energy shifts change constantly. At my day job I obviously have to work and produce either way.

I do get it, they are paying me and I need to work. I think a different – less controlling - system would work better for me and a lot of people who have jobs.

Unfortunately, it can be really difficult for me to get through my work some days. Fortunately on other days, it’s a breeze.

What I do love about my job is that I am providing for my family. I am helping give us shelter, food, electric, etc. I like helping our clients at work. They couldn’t do what we are helping them with, and my boss couldn’t accomplish the tasks without me. As weird as I know this will sound, I actually love shuffling around papers, stapling them, organizing them and figuring out what the next step is in a case.

(If you haven’t guessed yet, I’m a paralegal.)

It can still be a major drag some days.

Instead of letting fear and anger rule my days like they have been lately, today I have been trying to change my thought process.

I made a bunch of copies and realized I made a mistake and had to reprint and recopy everything. I started to get angry at myself, then angry at my boss who also missed the mistake and then angry at the copy machine.

Then I stopped. I looked for the love in the situation.

This client could not do what I am doing for her without my help. I specifically am here right in this moment to help her. She had loss her father and we’re helping her finalize his estate.

So I thought loving thoughts. Wiped away a tear of sympathy for the client because she lost her father not even 3 months ago, and I redid the copies out of love for her and her father.

I will tell you, it really changed my morning.

{{Update, I actually had to redo these papers at least 2 more times!!}}

There will be times that I am going to really struggle to find the love in the situation. In the copy situation it was pretty easy, but mostly I have much more intense communications with people throughout the day where it will be pretty difficult.

No matter what else happens – no matter how frustrated or angry I become – I will try to remember, I am here out of love for my family and out of love for fellow humans who need me to help them.

If you try, you’ll probably be able to find the love in most situations, even if it feels a little far fetched or forced at the time.

I can be sensitive and emotional. I’m honest. This combination can get the best of me. If I am upset, you will most certainly know. I don’t want to necessarily take my honest emotions away. It’s part of who I am. But, if I can react honestly in love, I do believe it will change my life.

I had a breakthrough why I hang on to anger. I use it as a crutch from failure. I tell myself it’s not my fault I failed because look at how all these people upset and hurt me. Look at what I’m dealing with. It’s hard to believe I can accomplish anything dealing with all this stuff.

Well, I’m calling shenanigans on the whole thing. I can’t control what people say or do. I can’t control how they react to me. They may say something hurtful or mean and quite possibly they may be right. But I don’t have to let the anger rule my life.

I am not going to anymore.

I'll choose love.

I hope that you will all join me in trying this. There is a ton of hurt in the world. A lot of people who don’t even think that anyone loves them. Kids who are abused. Grandparents who have been abandoned. People who have lost their jobs and their hope.

I know that I will loose my way and choose anger from time to time. I am forgiving myself now for that and I am going to do my very best to choose love over anger.

I would prefer to be a shining light rather than a black hole, and I believe I will make better art, be a much happier, better person if I choose love not fear.

Are you with me??
Remember to enter the Digital Scrapbooking Giveaway by My Memories by Tuesday!  Learn more about my experiences, what it can do (and it can do A LOT) and comment to enter!

No comments: