8.29.2007

The Black Hole

I have been in the dark black hole again lately. And just sitting there deep in the hole, not seeing the light and not making any effort or trying at all to get out. I have been down there for several days. Oh, I have seen the light a few times for a little while, but then I remember that I am, in fact, in the hole.

Today I feel a little better, even though I got bad news this morning. I am trying to be cheerful and look at the bright side, or at least the not so dismal side of things, but it isn't easy for me at the moment.

I feel like listing everything I hate about my life or everything that is difficult or sucks about it, but I am trying to think about all the good things and focus on them instead. It is so easy to fall into the "poor me" attitude and stick there. Generally speaking, my nature IS positive. Except when I fall into this deep black hole.

Unfortunately, a few people have also been affected by my nasty mood, and for that I apologize. I usually can overlook or at least try to ignore when people upset me online, but the past couple of weeks I have not been able to. Also, I tend to be super-overly sensitive when in the dark deep black hole. I have forgotten that I need to wait to respond to anything when I am sitting in the black hole.

I don't think that I have ever really discussed the fact that I am bipolar on this blog. It is a difficult thing to put out there. Once it is published online, it is there. I have thought about it, I am pretty sure that there are tons of jewelry designers who are, and lots of artist people who are, but to actually finally admit it....I don't know. Don't get me wrong, I personally do not have any preconceived notions regarding people who are bipolar, I just know how people react, what people say. Where I work, everyone knows I am, and we deal with clients who are, but I am told that I am not "crazy" like them. I work every day. I go to school. I have a jewelry business. I am not like the other bipolar people, they say.

And, really I am fine most of the time. There are just certain times I am not.

I hate every medicine I have ever been on for it (you know, the whole 4 options!) so I don't take medicine and I won't take medicine for it. I am sick of messing with it. I highly do NOT suggest that for anybody else!! But, I personally am fine most of the time. The times that I am not okay definitely do not outweigh how the medicine makes me feel, so I deal with the depression, and the mania (which I don't actually mind) and go on with my life.

So, today I am at my paralegal gig. I don't love this job, but I am going to try to find a few things that I do like about it and have at least a level, if not good, day. For example, here I am writing a blog without interuption. I have made some really great friends here. I like some of the actual activities of the job. I am able to do a work assignment that I actually like doing after I am done with this blog. Then I have a couple of other things to do that I like to do, too. So, perhaps it will be a pretty good day afterall.

Thanks for letting me get that all out. I know you really have no choice, but thank you anyway.

1 comment:

Nicole said...

I hope you're feeling a lot better soon.

Nicole
ikkinlala AT yahoo DOT ca